I've been studying the different ways we trust others.  One study posited transactional trust vs. relational trust.  Transactional trust is the trust we build through our ability to accomplish meaningful things for one another.  Transactional trust is more about situation than person.  I build transactional trust at work by showing up on time for meetings or by producing. Transactional trust relies on your ability to produce results and meet expectations through action.   

On the other hand relational trust is about the relationship (surprising huh?).  Relational trust builds through meeting emotional needs, understanding one another, and communicating clearly.  Relational trust could be communicated like this:  "I'm for you."  With these two kinds of trust, it's about relationship vs. results.  Both are important. 

In the middle of a week when I was studying all this, Miranda and I were able to get a few moments alone while our daughter slept.  We've learned to take these opportunities to accomplish something.  Clean, read, do some work, talk, etc.  Maybe out of fatigue instead of doing anything this time, we just sat closely together on the couch.  I put on a little music and we literally didn't say a word for 15 minutes. Before you think this story is going to go somewhere it isn't, let me pause to make my point: Nothing happened and it was awesome.  I can't remember the last time we enjoyed mere companionship.  There was no agenda.  No drive for results.  Nothing to accomplish.  Just relationship.  

I think our hurried and results-driven culture often kills the depth and joy of just being.  We devalue relationships without some transaction, living by the rule of "What have you done for me lately?"  We see ourselves that way, too (What have I accomplished?).  We forget the power of presence.  We're in too much of a hurry to enjoy what is instead of thinking about what can be.  

When I relaxed on the couch with Miranda and a little Bon Iver playing on the stereo, I kept thinking, " Is it okay we didn't get anything done or talk much?  Why is this so good?"  Finally, it dawned on me.  I enjoy my wife!  And it's not because of all the great ways she loves me.  It's just her.  I've had this internal driver lately keeping me from experiencing her aside from any agenda or transaction.  The only transaction that night was shared company.  It was the best night I've had in months.  It was about just being.  It was about a shared esthetic, a shared gaze.  For instance, what is so wonderful about seeing the mountains or watching the sun set?  Do the mountains do anything for you?  No.  They just are.  You enjoy them because they exist and they're beautiful.  There are a ton of lessons for me in this.  I look at many of my relationships like this--with family, friends...with God.  In all these relationships, loving and being loved begins with a deeper view of myself and others.  It continues with a willingness to let things be...to see myself as someone who doesn't have to do anything to be delighted in, and delight in the presence of others.  A good end to that delight is then expressing this joy to the one I’m enjoying.  

Some questions:

Have you been like me--too hurried to enjoy what is before you think about what could be? 

Are you viewing your relationships based on what you and other parties do for one another?

This week try to sit still with someone you enjoy and just be.